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This companion workbook to The Wounded Heart will help you work through the complex issues of sexual abuse in a concrete way by leading you step-by-step through the process of change. It also includes specific sections for men, ideas for discussion-group facilitators, and reflective quotations from fellow strugglers with sexual abuse.
- Sales Rank: #118856 in Books
- Brand: Tyndale House Publishers
- Published on: 2008-08-20
- Released on: 2008-08-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 10.00" h x .58" w x 7.00" l, .75 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 208 pages
Features
- For Personal or Group Use
- Specific Section for Men
- Ideas for discussion-group Facilitators
- Reflective Quotations from Fellow Strugglers with Sexual Abuse
Review
Dan Allender has unraveled the very heart of sexual abuse, both in diagnosis and scriptural resolution. This is the first book on sexual abuse that gives the victim God's path to healing: a costly path of fresh suffering that leads to a life characterized by love. -- Dr. Pamela Reeve, Multnomah School of the Bible
Dr. Allender acts as a true surgeon of the soul in making a diagnosis which, while compassionate, is never sentimental. He brings the wounded survivor of abuse to the Great Physician for healing. I welcome this book: a next step for those who have begun the healing process, and a place to start for others. -- Maxine Hancock, author of Child Sexual Abuse
These powerful pages bring the realities of damaging human experience into the perspective of a loving God. With professional skill and spiritual insight from the crucible of experience, Dr. Allender blends a keen understanding of the dynamics of sexual abuse with the practical application of Christian truth. An excellent and timely book! -- John Powell, Ph.D., professor, Counseling Center, Michigan State University
From the Back Cover
Thousands of women and men have experienced life-reviving healing from Dr. Dan Allender’s book The Wounded Heart. This companion workbook will help you work through the complex issues of sexual abuse in a concrete way. Designed to be used on your own or in a group, the workbook will lead you step-by-step through the process of change: facing the truth about past and present experiences and feelings; wrestling with God, other people, and yourself; and understanding the goals and fears that have determined how you relate to others. It also includes specific sections for men, ideas for discussion-group facilitators, and reflective quotations from fellow strugglers with sexual abuse.
With professional skill and spiritual insight, Dr. Dan B. Allender shows that there is hope and healing when survivors call on the Great Physician for relief from their suffering.
About the Author
Dr. Dan B. Allender received his MDiv from Westminster Theological Seminary and his PhD in counseling psychology from Michigan State University. Currently, he serves as professor of counseling psychology and president at Mars Hill Graduate School. Dr. Allender travels and speaks extensively to present his unique perspective on sexual abuse recovery, love and forgiveness, worship, and other related topics. He and his wife, Rebecca, have three children and live in Seattle, Washington.
Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
The workbook and book together are the best therapy books I have ever used - 10 stars!
By Charles C.
This book is a great help in therapy. I have personally gone through the book twice, and gotten a great deal out of it both times. The workbook really allows you to take what you learn in the book and apply it to your own life. It is hard. The process of becoming aware of what is and isn't abuse is hard enough (and this has nothing to do with "recovering" memories, it simply has to do with finding out what you thought was normal is horrifyingly not). Processing the memories is what, over time, helps you stop living in them all the time. But then, you have to face the Biblical truth of sin being passed down the generations. It's not enough to break the pattern. You also have to recognize how you lashed out and hurt people while you were trying to protect yourself. You have to stop doing that and learn how to have healthy responses. The first time I went through the book, I fought against the idea that I, the victim, also victimized other people along the way. The second time through, I accepted that my abusers had shaped my behavior, and that I had to choose how I wanted to treat people, and not let my abusers control my current relationships. That changed my life.
142 of 144 people found the following review helpful.
A Tender Devotional Alternative to Working Through Sexual Abuse
By Crochet Lover
As I've mentioned in my previous reviews on self-help books for abuse survivors, I don't go for the current so-called Christian clap-trap ideas of healing and forgiving. Many push the idea that you should "forgive and forget," bury the memories, and be nice to your abuser by never mentioning the past, to "get along" at all costs. Some also argue that we should just hand it all over to Jesus and everything will be fine.
Dan Allender boldly attacks and rejects these notions in his book The Wounded Heart. Allender is a Christian counselor who has worked extensively with victims of sexual abuse throughout his career, and Colorado Christian University I believe still maintains a sexual abuse ministry he helped establish. The book itself is written mostly for women, though I believe men can also benefit from it.
My interest in this book was piqued by a friend who herself had used the book to tackle her own past issues. Something about the hopeful tone I picked up in her voice told me this book offered something different and worth looking into.
The Wounded Heart took me several months to finish, but not because it is poorly written or boring. Rather it is because Allender's words, what he has to offer, is so intense that I had to take breaks and let the weight of what I just read absorb before I could move forward with taking another bite. This book is definitely not for those in search of a quick read or wanting pat answers.
The first thing Allender does, and nicely done I might add, is stake through the heart all the notions that we have to play nicey-nice for everyone else's comfort and look like a good Christian while facing down our pasts. If anything, he states that this is probably the most damaging thing to push on an abuse survivor, because you can't bury what's alive and expect it not to scream. The cost of "getting along" with someone who has committed one of the greater evils in life against you for the sake of pleasing everyone else is ultimately that of revictimization, greater pain, and a deadening of the soul.
In reality this is not a true calling of Christ. Instead it's a way of other Christians to not have to face the discomfort they feel in response to the painful reality that something as horrendous as sexual abuse exists. They don't want to risk losing that warm fuzzy feeling some contemporary Christian experts and authors have rightly come to term "cheap grace." It is artificial in nature and stifles long-term growth.
From here, Allender explores how victims are often set up for abuse, most commonly from a vicious cycle created from an unloved, unhappy child receiving attention from a perpetrator zeroing in on a kill. The child, in turn, will do anything for continued attention... setting them up for unwilling compliance to the unspeakable.
Sometimes this is reinforced by other family members who cannot or will not understand why their child will suddenly turn cold towards Uncle Fred and chastize her for not minding her manners. It perpetuates an incredibly ugly cycle.
Allender then analyzes the effects sexual abuse has on the victim in later life. He outlines three specific personalities that can emerge. I recognized myself in all three as I looked back on my life. I could see where I was a Good Girl to please everyone and get along so people would like me, the Tough Girl because of that part of me that'd had enough of being a doormat and hyper-reacted, and the Party Girl during the times I wanted attention but didn't want anyone too close to me, which sadly was often.
The Wounded Heart then sets before the reader a challenge: We must die to the self that has come out of the past, and find renewed life in God to become what we were meant to be, not what the abuser made one into through his or her sinful acts, and we must act boldly for this change to occur. Allender could not be more tender or compassionate in getting this message across, but he also delivers it with complete and unwavering conviction. What he has to say is undeniable and motivating.
It's also crystal clear that we must do the work. God is there to guide and inspire, but as human beings with free will, the effort and the power to change is ours. Simply lobbing the whole mess into Jesus' lap and expecting Him to fix it all without us pitching in simply will not do... and speaking philosophically here, I do not believe it would be within our natures to feel satisfied or successful even if problems could be solved this way.
The book also covers ways in which a former victim can and should respond to various abusers in their daily life. Allender breaks down that there are different types of abusers, ranging from those annoying snotty little jerks we'll have to deal with every day simply because we live in a fallen world, all the way up to the perpetrator of the abuse and what Allender calls an abuse-surrogate, a significant other who has taken the place of the perpetrator in the victim's life and mind and continues to create an abusive environment. With the last two, there must be change to end the cycle.
With the childhood perpetrator, The Wounded Heart makes it very clear that there is no requirement to forgive or continue a relationship with such a person unless they have met certain conditions that indicate they repent and take responsibility for what they have done. In fact, it is argued, a relationship must not continue and there must not be forgiveness at all until this happens for the sake of the victim's recovery.
This is a Christian principle through and through. Allender cites Luke 17:3 in his emphasis that forgiveness towards the abuser is indeed conditional, something many Christians overlook in what is likely a spirit of misinformation. Yes, we must forgive as God forgives; however, God only forgives when there is repentance and amends are made.
"They know not what they do" cannot be argued here either - an abuser is a predator. They plan, they scheme and they deliberately attack having full knowledge of right and wrong. God has no qualms with calling us to discern what is evil. We must, lest we compromise morals and principles that help us protect the innocent.
The Wounded Heart is a cogent, loving devotional that dedicates itself soulfully to helping the sexual abuse victim discover a relationship with God they likely imagined they could never have. I cannot recommend this book enough for any Christian who is struggling with childhood sexual abuse; I have no reason to believe it can't help non-Christians at some level as well, if for nothing else than for validation and ideas on how to work through the abuse.
A companion workbook is available for use on one's own or in a support group. I do have a copy of this and I will review it once I've worked through its contents.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Best Recovery Manual Around
By Todd Owen
After many months in recovery for addiction, I finally realized why I hated myself so much--unresolved issues from my childhood sexual abuse (CSA). Our church sponsors a recovery ministry for over 200 people each week. We have about 25 groups covering 18 different topics, but no men's CSA group. I was very apprehensive about co-leading a men's CSA recovery group until I read this book!
Dr. Dan Allender has counseled thousands of victims of sexual abuse, and his wisdom is here. Although written with "she" pronouns, the book applies as much to men as women. Along with the companion textbook, The Wounded Heart deals with guilt, shame, contempt, memory issues, sexual repercussions, and many more topic areas.
His stories will cut you to the core, where you will find yourself facing your own fears and false beliefs.
Where was God when I was being abused? If you don't struggle with that question, then you'll never move forward. Dr. Allender allows you to struggle; he pokes all the sore spots from your past. His no-holds-barred approach is compelling, and you're left with nowhere to hide. You'll either run away from your past or work through it.
I honestly wouldn't have agreed to facilitate a men's sexual abuse recovery group without this resource. If your serious about dealing with your abuse--Buy This Book!
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